This Could be the Start of Something Good

I weighed in this morning! Better than expected! 145.0! I’m actually shocked, I thought it’d be higher. I got down to 131 last summer so hopefully I can get back there and stay there! All the junk foods are cleared away from me (minus when I’m out and about, but I’m working on ways to be smart about it).

I ran a fasted half mile after I weighed-in. Next week I’ll do the whole mile!

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Well, there’s my before picture, I surprisingly wasn’t bloated up this morning, but it’s true what they say, cutting out processed foods keeps the belly in good shape. And of course plenty of lower ab exercises!

Of course, my morning was off to a great start! I made overnight oats for the first time ever! Tonight I’ll include more ingredients and more unsweetened vanilla almond milk! It was delicious over all!

One of my snacks! I love love love berries!

Unfortunately, a trip to the grocery store didn’t go too well. Perhaps it’s just the carb cravings of shark week because I’ve consumed a half a bag of everything bagel thins with some Earth Balance butter, and even splurged on almonds at Starbucks. My goals slipped my mind today. I intend to learn from them. Looks like I’ll be eating maintaining calories today and then some, but I did get in some working out so we shall see! Taking photos and going through outfits really let it all hit me today.

In other news, I hardly have time for anything! I mean, I do, but I hate knowing I have so many things to do. Tomorrow should be interesting. Hopefully I can get plenty of homework done in the morning before working with my group! Then I have a photoshoot for Alissa and probably some more homework! Perhaps I should head to the library so I won’t have any easy-foods around me.

One things for sure: Things like bread have to stay out of my dorm room.

Oh! In other news I found an amazing dress for date night! It’s a bit loose up top but nothing a safety pin can’t handle! If we do go out to a fancy date while Micheal’s on leave, we would almost match if he wore dress blues… Oops. But the dress is perfect. Modest for me, sexy for him. Get it girl! Winking smile

A Delicious Breakfast!

A Delicious Breakfast!

The other day I made the best combo for waffles and toppings! Okay, the best according to the fact that I’m not a very good cook and don’t like to use too many ingredients.

– Van’s gluten/something else free waffles (no egg or dairy either, ding ding!)
– Topped with White Chocolate Wonderful Peanut Butter (1 tbsp) and Welch’s no sugar added jelly (1 tbsp).
– Add berries to the top and include them in every bite!

Deliciousness! 😀

Operation: Slim Down has Commenced!

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I do love my healthy versions of foods! Like my heart cookie? (summer photo)

Tomorrow is February 1st! There’s going to be only 42 days until I see Micheal again at his graduation! I’m super excited!! I know he loves me no matter what I look like but tomorrow morning, I’m going to.. *gasp* weigh-in! It’s something I’ve avoided not so much for the fear of the number but because I’m afraid of getting confused from muscle gain. So I’m not going to increase my muscle workouts from this point on, and I may even let up a little, especially on my push-ups because my arms are a main issue. Honestly, I’m terrified. I’m not going to be shocked if it says 150 or more! I’m going to take responsibility for my poor health, often due to daily binges(yes binges, like 3000-4000 calorie binges).

My dress arrived yesterday! And while the dress is actually pretty loose (which can be fixed with a classy simple belt) my arms are anything but flattering in it! Worst case, I can wear a cardigan, but let’s not forget my legs as well. 

I made a checklist and reward system for February! I threw out all the foods from my dorm room that have been halting my progress. I have a full water bottle. I’m about to make a list of affirmations. My The Kind Diet (My childhood idol’s go-vegan book!) copy is on it’s way to me! My new workout shoes, though not my favorite, but conveniently vegan (I swear I’m not a stickler, but I tell myself that when I have a choice, I should make it, and I had the choice and saved money!).. I’m going shopping for new workout pants in the morning(Some lame ass stole my two favorite pairs from the laundry last semester, who does that!?)! Overnight oats for breakfast (honestly my first time making them!).  I’ll probably photograph everything I eat and post daily about it!

So here I go! This time, I’m going to love myself through it. I’m doing it for me AND for my man. This time I’m so in love with myself and in love with him I just want to be the best I can be! I haven’t been my best since summer! I don’t need to kill myself like last year but I do need to just do it!

Tonight, I even took carrots and Zevia to the movies! (Which was a bummer because the sound broke, but it was a free campus movie so I’ll try and go back tomorrow to see the end).. It was smart though. I knew I had carrots and didn’t need popcorn and had eaten plenty today.

My goal: 42 days, 10 pounds.  

Insomnia, oh joy, and things I Wish We could Discuss

Just a perk of my PMS week! 

That and finding things 100 times more offensive or hurtful. Unfortunately one of the things that hit me today I can’t even deck out, because it involves my boyfriend, and I don’t want to send anything particularly negative to bootcamp. *rips up letter I wrote* I should probably stop trying to suppress thinking about it so that way it actually goes away. It’s over a facebook thing which makes it seem more pathetic and we’ve argued a million times about it before. Maybe his mind changed during bootcamp, but I definitely just hurts that he has pictures from his trips and what not but none of me anymore. And it’s been this way for long over a year. I’m not stupid, but I really want to know why. His old excuse of “I don’t like pictures of me” clearly went away with his UK trip. 

All I know is that I do deserve a photo right there. And that while looking for a particular photo on his profile today for a cute little scrapbook I want to make, I noticed it again, and it hurts to be honest. It’s one thing but he knows and has never cared enough to take care of it. I do love his love-y letters. And I don’t want to discourage him at all. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see! And try not to let it get in the way of my special plans for San Diego. 😉 

Nothing goes as planned though, so we shall see.

I’m doing my best to just let it be. Now is not the time. 

Might as well use it as motivation!

45 more days!!!!! 😀

What not to say when someone tells you they have… OCD

If I had a secret, that would’ve been it. Congratulations! You’re the next to know. Biggest surprise? I still have yet to say it out loud to anyone. I either make letters with my hands or text it.. So far.  While one part of me would be, “Oh my goodness! What if a future employer sees this.” I realized that hiding it only gives into the stigma, and I’ll probably make a different post along those lines soon enough. But there’s no reason I can’t function as a “normal” part of society, in fact, if you check the facts, mental illnesses are more normal than not these days!

Before I begin, I hope you have done your research on Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. I have lived with it in mild and severe stages. If I had known more about what it really was, I could’ve gotten help sooner. I encourage anyone whether you truly have the diagnosis or not to look it up. The more you know, the more and better you understand.

The following list is built to be honest and entertaining. Things that you shouldn’t say when someone tells you about their OCD.. Or any mental illness really.

  • “It’s all in your head.” 

No!  Really?  Yes, you’re absolutely right! OCD is literally in our heads! Mental disorder. You’re also wrong. It’s not all in our heads. There’s this interesting side effect to mental disorders where they cause disordered behaviors and actually interrupt our lives! And the lives of those whom we love. And no, we don’t want it to interrupt your life! We’re too concerned with other things. Don’t be a dick about it, if someone tells you they have OCD, they trust you enough not to make them sound “crazy”.

  • “You just want attention.”

Yes, I totally have all of these whack-o thoughts that I worry about all day and night and try to rationalize because I want attention. I like to do things x amount of times or avoid certain situations because I really just want attention. Actually, no. We don’t do that. People who say “omg I’m so OCD”, they do that, people who actually have OCD? No. They can’t help their compulsions, it takes a lot of work to break the chain. A LOT. Telling you that we have OCD explains some of our behavior and is ultimately a sign of “I trust you to know this part of me”.

  • “Just stop thinking that. Just stop washing your hands. Just stop worrying.”

If we could. We would. We’re trying. Day and night. Sometimes too hard. It’s a complex work to manage obsessions and compulsions. It’s a hell of a lot of work. It’s completely draining! You have no idea until you’re there. No one wants OCD, but it is a part of us and we do have to live with us, and it does get better. What we really need is your support because we’re going to mess up, we’re going to relapse, we’re going to zone out and zone in.

  • “We all have our quirks.”

Compulsions, they aren’t quirks. Especially in people like me who have the purely-obsessive type, you will probably never notice our compulsions, most of them exist in our heads or in things like prayer and avoidance. A quirk of liking something a certain way is a hundred times different than having to check that you locked your door fifty times, or worrying that you didn’t lock it the entire time you’re out!  Quirk (according to dictionary.com): a peculiarity of action, behavior, or personality; mannerism.  Compulsion (dictionary.com): a strong, usually irresistible impulse to perform an act, especially one that is irrational orcontrary to one’s will.

  • “Everyone has something wrong with them.”

No. People with OCD are the princes and princesses of the Earth, please bow down to them! Okay, no I know that’s not true, we all know that’s not true. Everyone does have their problems. However, we didn’t come to you to hear that. We are 100% aware. We live with this problem every day. Some days are hell and some days still manage to be heavenly. You have your problems, I’m telling you one of mine. And it’s not even a problem, I live with it, I learn from it, I manage it. I’m stronger than it.

I hope you can excuse my sarcasm, it was purely for entertainment. I made this list mostly to expose the fact that these things do hurt to hear. The list is actually longer. There is a ton of stigma about mental illness in this world, but if we continue making efforts to destroy the stigmas, maybe these things will become easier to treat. I’ve dealt with it for years and have only told about three people besides my old counselor until now.

I’ll follow up with a post on meaningful, progressive ways to react.

For more resources on OCD: